How to Tell Your Partner You Want Kinky Sex

Whether you’ve got fantasies of bondage and blindfolds, or you’re imagining a kinky spanking during sex, the only way to get what you want is to talk about it. But that’s often the hardest part — admitting you want the kinky sex you can’t stop thinking about. If you’re not sure where to begin, we’ve got a few tips to help you out.

Figure Out What You Want

You don’t have to know about every kinky thing you’ll ever want to try before you talk to your partner. But you should have an idea of what you’d like to try right now. Maybe it’s something you read in a bit of erotica or online. Maybe you saw a picture or a porn video clip. But spend time thinking about what it is.

Telling your partner you want “kinky sex” is extremely vague. You might imagine a little hair-pulling and a spanking. They could be thinking about rope bondage and forced orgasms. Before you start the conversation get at least one clear idea in your mind. If your partner is open to it, you can always try more kinky fun later.

Find a Good Time to Talk

At the end of a stressful day or in the middle of dealing with cranky kids isn’t usually a good time for an important conversation. You want your partner’s attention and focus, but you also want them in a mental space where they’re able to really listen to you. If there’s a specific time of day that you know is best, try to talk then.

If it’s almost impossible to “find” a good time to talk, make one. Let your partner know you want to talk about something important with them and set a time for the conversation. Ask if you can go get a coffee or take a walk together. Let them know you’d like to talk after dinner or over lunch. If you wait for an organic moment, you may be waiting longer than you’d like.

Say What You Mean and Then Listen

The first part of the conversation, once you sit down to have it, is to say what you mean and be extremely clear. Don’t use euphemisms or coded talk unless you’re sure your partner knows exactly what you mean. If you want to be spanked, say it. If you’re craving some tease and denial or a bit of bondage, tell them.

Once you’ve said it out loud, it’s time to listen. Hopefully your partner is open to what you’ve said. They may have a lot of questions, and that’s normal. It’s okay if you don’t know all the answers — you can do the research together later. But they need to feel heard. They may also want time to think about it. You’ve already spent time processing these desires and may feel impatient to get started. Curb that feeling as much as you can and give them the time they need to process, too.

Sext, Dirty Talk, and Post-Sex Conversations

Another option for letting your partner know exactly what kind of kinky sex you want is to make the entire conversation very sexy. Some people aren’t as comfortable with straight forward conversations about sex (which is something to work on but you can save that for another day). If that’s you, try one of these options:

• Sext your partner throughout the day and tell them exactly what you want. You don’t have to look at them while you say it, and they may be willing to share their fantasies with you, too.
• Try some dirty talk before sex or as a role play fantasy. This means saying it out loud, but for some people, being in “character” feels easier.
• Talk about it after you have good sex together. In that post-coital bliss of getting your breath back and cooling down, talk about what you really like and what you’d like more of. Try something like, “I really like it when you pin me to the bed and hold me down. Could we do more of that?”
• Watch porn together and say, “I’d really like to try that” when you see something that matches your kinky fantasy. (Tip: Porn isn’t an instruction manual so don’t try to recreate exactly what you see — use it for fantasies and as a guide only.)

Conclusion

Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so they’re unlikely to catch some of those obvious-to-you hints you’ve been dropping. The best way to get the kinky sex you’re craving is to talk about it. You can do that in a calm, clear way or in a sexy way. But until you do, it will only be a fantasy you can’t stop thinking about.

Know someone who’s kinky but hasn’t admitted it yet? Share the infographic below with them!