How to Tell Your Partner You’re Kinky

When you’re into kink and bondage, a fantastic new world of pleasure can open up to you. You explore sensations, pleasure, and fantasies that you never thought possible. But, eventually, you’re probably going to want to bring your partner into the fun. And that’s where everything can become complicated.

Telling your partner that you’re kinky can feel fraught with danger. What if they reject you? What if they don’t want to do kinky things with you? There’s no guarantee that your partner will be interested in kink, but you’ll never know unless you talk to them. Not sure how to have the conversation? Here’s what you need to know.

Think About What You Want to Say

“Kinky” means so many different things to different people. Before you have this conversation, think about what you mean and what you want to tell your partner. This will help you start the conversation from the right place.

• Do you want rough or kinky sex?
• Are you interested in exploring BDSM?
• Do you identity as a top/dominant or bottom/submissive?

Spend time figuring out the details of what “kinky” means to you. Long before you have this conversation, you need to know what you mean so you can explain it to your partner.

Set a Time to Talk

When you have this conversation, you want your partner’s full attention. When the kids are screaming or both of you are exhausted from a busy day at work isn’t the right time. Set a time to talk to your partner. Let them know you have something to discuss with them. If they’re anxious about it, reassure them that it’s nothing negative.

Choose a time when you’re both able to focus on the conversation and you’re both (hopefully) in a good frame of mind. Some people prefer these conversations to be in private, while others want to talk in public over coffee or a meal. Pick a setting and time that’s right for you both, if possible.

Be Open and Honest

You’re about to tell your partner something very personal without knowing exactly how they’ll react. The best solution is to be open and honest. You might try the Band-Aid technique, where you say it all at once, very quickly. Or you might lead up to it by offering small bits of information over the course of the conversation. Either way, say what you mean, explain what you want, and be open with your partner.

One way to do this is to use examples of what you’d like to do either from past sexual experiences you’ve shared or cultural references they may know. Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t a shining example of kink (it’s problematic on a lot of levels) but most people know what it’s basically about. This could be the starting point of your conversation so you’re both on the same page.

Listen and Let Them Ask Questions

You might have information to share, but this isn’t a one-sided conversation. Once you get to the main point: “I’m kinky and this is what I want” then it’s time to sit back and listen. They may have a lot of thoughts or questions. They may have been thinking the same thing but were too afraid to say anything. You just never know.

Some people need time to process their thoughts and feelings. They may ask a few questions without saying yes or no to what you’re asking for. They might ask for more time to think about it. Honor this part of the process. If your partner feels rushed or pressured into anything, there’s a much greater chance things will fall apart later.

Ease Slowly Into Kink

For the sake of argument, let’s assume the conversation was a rousing success, and your partner is open to exploring kinky fun with you. Congratulations! Now, the next step is to ease into things slowly. You might have a bunch of fantasies or even real life experience with kink, but your partner likely doesn’t. Start with things that you’re both excited to try and take your time.

Throughout this process, keep the lines of communication open. You should talk about what you want to explore before you try it, while you’re doing it, and after the moment is over. This will allow you to adjust to find what works and what doesn’t.

Conclusion

Confessing kinky desires to a partner isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s downright scary for many people. You don’t always know how your partner will react. There’s no way to guarantee success, but you can help yourself by making the conversation as easy as possible. Take your time, be open to their thoughts, and go for it. You never know what kind of kinky possibilities will open up in your relationship as a result.

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